I do not want to be in a box. Close spaces are scary- though scary makes me sound young. Being trapped makes me feel young, waiting for mom to come and save me. In this I doubt she will. I know too well how the ‘End is Neigh’ and all I can hope is that it will not hurt. I can hope that an elephant won’t come and squish the box while I’m in side. I can hope that no one will throw in an angry jar of bees while I’m inside. I can hope that the box won’t be thrown into a literal fire pit.
My worries continue, and I can hope feels a useless phrase. Perhaps I should have picked a different exercise.
Yet this feels more real. I could pick a box. If I could I’d fill it with soft blankets I can use to stim my face. I’ll rub the corners on the sensitive skin by my eyes. I can think about how that feels. I can press it to my chest and know that no one can touch me there. I can make the box cardboard- when it rains it will melt and I’ll be free. We’ve had so much rain this month.
If I have to pick a box to end my days in, I hope it has a pillow. I hope it has a blanket. I worry about my coffin, I don’t want it to break my partner’s bank. But like George Washington, worry that I’ll wake up and know where I am. I don’t want my last night to be uncomfortable. Or like Octavia Smith, they’ll open my casket to find my nails torn and scratches on the lid. That terror is real.
If I have to pick a box, I’ll pick a big one, with open corners for air and enough space to lie down in comfort. I hope I’m not scared. I know I will be. I’m scared of everything, from bugs to shadows to too much sunlight and animals that most likely I’ll never see outside a zoo. I’m scared a bird will get in my house. We had a hawk in our neighborhood- I’m scared it could kill my rabbit sized dog.
If I have to pick a box, I hope I have enough distractions inside it to keep me calm. Like a house. A house could be called a box, especially my simple shaped townhouse, with no protruding corners. I have my bed to lie down in comfort, and blanket to stim my face. Perhaps that’s the best box of all.